Boundaries and Attachment Styles

 


I have followed Heidi Priebe for some time due to her great content about MBTI personality types, particularly ENFP and INFP. She is pursuing a specific master's degree related to attachment styles. I also really like her exploration about the ways that boundaries can be defined and understood, in this case through the lens of attachment.

One distinction Heidi highlights is the difference between boundaries and expectations. I often point out the similar difference between boundaries and limits. 

Expectations and limits are expressed to others.

Heidi states "a boundary is something that you will do."

An expectation is "you have to stop speaking to me like that (demeaning or insulting)."

A boundary is "if you speak to me using that type of language, I will discontinue the conversation and walk away, and won't speak to you again until we can return to the conversation in a calmer state of mind."

Paraphrased:
Boundaries are the things we put around ourselves, healthy emotional boundaries we put up, so that we can self regulate behind them.

Anxiously Attached: Setting boundaries is problematic for the anxiously attached person because they don't know how to self regulate. Then becoming emotionally dysregulated, because what they need is on the other side of the boundaries they just put up. This type needs to be able to leave a discussion when they need to and come back later. Then focus on learning self soothing. Setting boundaries with oneself. Do inner child work.  

Dismissive Avoidant:

Read about Compassionate Non-Violent Communication

Secure Attachment ~60%  I'm ok, You're ok.
Anxious Attachment ~20% You're ok, I'm not. Only know how to coregulate.
Avoidant Attachment ~20% I'm ok, You're not.
Fearful Avoidant (also called Anxious Avoidant) ~2%  I'm not ok, You're not ok.

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